Somewhere Inbetween

• Here honey, you use the remote.
• You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
• Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!
• While I’m up, can I get you anything?
• Why don’t you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
• Aww, forget Monday night football, Let’s watch The Notebook.
• Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
• We never talk anymore.
• Do you think he’s prettier than me?
• Why don’t we go to the mens room and freshen up?
• Who left the toilet seat up?
• Do I look fat in these jeans?
• I’ll have a house salad & a diet coke.

A man who jumped off of the Golden Gate Bridge had left a suicide note that said;

“I’m going to walk to the bridge, if one person smiles at me on the way, I will not jump.” 

After reading this last night, I felt like so much life had been sucked out of me. I was completely haunted by the feeling of walking to my own death, just waiting for a smile to pull me back from the ledge. A smile that would never come.

It took me back to 7th grade in a flash for an assembly with a public speaker. A man whose name I cannot remember but A man I will never forget.

He said;

 ” .. the power of a smile, a compliment to a stranger, a simple hello in passing. You may not think much of this to yourself, but to somebody else it could mean everything, it could be the difference …”

Something in that resonated with me to my soul. I felt so much freedom in the power of my own ability to be kind, to be warm, to be welcoming. And I know in this jaded world it becomes difficult to maintain that ideal when you are brushed off with so many cold shoulders. But the thought to be that one smile to somebody that truly needed it. To be the difference. Imagine that.

Rocking this Vegetarian thing for 4 months now and nothing in life tempts me like Chinese food. Sweet lord, and it tempts me something fierce! I’ve been craving this for months. But nope, brown rice and steamed veggies for this poser. Take out ordered left and right, and I just stare and inhale the aroma as deeply as possible. Bitches. You just had to order the love of my appetite.

I’m not exactly sure when we will be reunited you delicious mate to my taste bud soul. But I can tell you that Peaches and Herb will be playing for the occasion.

No matter how many ambitions I have in life, how many dreams and desires. It’s the simplicity of a moment like this. I’ll know I’ve made it in life, when I walk into the back garden of my own home and lie in a hammock under my favorite shady tree. Letting myself wander helplessly into another world within the pages of a book.

I can feel the warmth of the sun on my skin breaking through the branches. My honey will come home, and lie next to me. I can already feel his lips against mine, like I’ve known them my entire life.

What more could a girl want. 

I don’t want to press play tonight, so I don’t. I just listen to my breath, as I breathe in and out, in and out. I hear the breeze whisper through the trees. I hear my feet hit the concrete, steady. Unlike my heart beat, racing to get ahead. When it hurts too much to take another step, I take 10.

Hands now on my knees, trying to catch the melody of a breath escaping me. I reach those hands toward the sky, and I can feel the moonlight against my fingertips. I close my eyes. My chest moves in and out, in and out.

She always takes my breath away.

Headphones swaying beside me as I run, like pendulum. Time and space to move with these feet. Just me and the concrete.

Just me in a world asleep.

Pretty sure that’s not how you’re supposed to do it.

Love & being broke. Damn you Jimmy Choo. For your ridiculously cute and well-made, retarded expensive $1300 shoes and $1095 handbag. I’ll drool about this and throw on some $40 Chuck Taylors

You have to be one of the most darling hats i’ve ever seen. A thousand sonnets ran through my mind with a single glance. You had me at, “Small, Medium or Large?” 

I’m from the era of Nintendo. Old school,  I’m talking like back to the 80’s with duck hunt and the original Super Mario Bros. But man, when Super Nintendo came out, that was my shit!

Kids these days with their psp’s, and ps3’s and 360’s, wearing headsets shit talking to each other. Not one who could step to me on this thing.

Mario Kart champion, Super Mario defeater , Ninja Turtles connoisseur, Zelda conqueror.

Remember having to take the game cartridge out to blow on it, to make it work again?

I’m a Nintendo kid for life!

“Forever & A Day” -Tim Cantor

My friend and I were roaming around the Gaslamp district in downtown San Diego on a Friday night. After making our way from one gallery opening to the next, we found ourselves once again stopped in our tracks gazing into the window of a showroom we had always wanted to see.

Like two wide-eyed children staring into a toy store window, we just stood there. Imagining everything that was just beyond the glass. Since her and I worked down the street, we did this frequently. Never able to make it inside for one reason or another. Usually because our only other destination besides work, was our favorite italian cafe for gelato and tea.

anyway …

After about 5 minutes had passed, an older gentlemen walked over to us from a near by restaurant where he had been having a drink on the patio when he noticed us. He asked if we had ever been inside. With the sinking of our heads, we told him unfortunately no, we had never had the pleasure. 

That’s when the most amazing thing happened. He reached into the inside pocket of his grey hounds tooth blazer, took out a small set of keys and unlocked the door. At 11pm on a regular Friday night, a very kind stranger gave us a private tour of a showroom we had been aching to see for months! Tim Cantors showroom, who just happened to be this guys son in law.

It was one of the coolest experiences of my life. How magical it had been before, but how it became so much more than that. Every painting had a poem beside it, bringing even more life into the moment. The lighting and the music, the words and the framing, Tim Cantors voice playing throughout the room, speaking about his art.

Everything was so seamlessly connected. So inspired, so thought about and felt. So full of love and passion.

So …

perfect.

Sometimes I feel like I should be on medication, but I probably wouldn’t be as “interesting” if I was.

At the end of every night when I come home, before going inside …

I find myself completely captivated by the sky. A sky so breath takingly beautiful & bewitching. I’ll lean against my car for what seems like a moment in time that stretches infinitely. I take a deep breath, & I let it go with a smile & a whisper of the only word my lips can bare, “wow.”

When I was about 10 or 11, I used to print my own newspaper and pass it out to my neighbors. It was called “Un-Cut.”  A collection of poems and short stories I had written, about drugs and suicide, dreams and broken families. You write what you know. That’s what I knew. 

Probably rather embarrassing to my parents to have such a creatively disturbed child passing out all of our business to upper middle class suburbia. But better that than being one of those creepy kids that tortured cats or something.

Makes sense to me now why those parents didn’t let their kids hangout with me.

In this painting: Lisa Walters.

The woman who inspired the artist in me. She taught me in the short time she was with us, to always be who I am. And to never stop trying to figure out who that is. She nurtured my dreams while the world laughed. I have never been more blessed and grateful for another person.

Cancer 1994

The sweetest flowers bloom the air of spring, like your breath against my skin, blooms my heart. I’ve dreamed of you since I was a little girl. Dreams once so vibrant and intoxicating, surrender dull in the presence of your beauty.

You are so beautiful it hurts.

I’ve loved you more in a single moment than a million suns have warmed the sands of time. You have plagued me deeper than a thousand seas. I drown challenger deep in my sorrows knowing I am not yet in your heart, as you are in mine.

You are everything that I am not, that I want to become. And I am everything you need, that you have not yet seen.

But I’ve seen you.

Moments you left yourself exposed, penetrated deeper within my soul than the roots of any old willow into the earth. Your eyes that rested so tired, stunned me with desire and bewitched me further. And this heart of mine that is so full of love for you. You, who ignores every beat that it calls your name. You, who so easily dismisses a woman that would drink the oceans to quench your thirst.

You, who is so beautiful it hurts

Two of my favorites. Derek Trucks & Susan Tedeschi.

I want this. I want my own Derek Trucks and I want to be somebody’s Susan. These are two of the greatest i’ve discovered over the years of my infinite musical journey. Combining that sweet love with that sweet music making. Closing their eyes and getting to the place i’m always trying to get to myself.

No place i’d rather be in the world.